http://www.nytimes.com/2001/07/16/arts/writers-writing-easy-adverbs-exclamation-points-especially-hooptedoodle.html I don't buy into #4… I think "said" done too repetitively is kind of irritating/bad.

I'm with him on prologues, though.

And weather.

I'm a big fan of in medias res.

Just start the goddamn thing.

Hahah, yeah.

Regarding "Said," I've heard that one before, and I kind of agree with it, I think.

I mean, there are ways it can be egregious, yeah.

But, like...

John kicked at the deer. "This thing sucks."

"Yeah," replied Mary. "What a piece of shit."

"Would you just look at it?"

"I know. I agree with you."

"Maybe we should take a dump on it," John suggested, after a long sigh.

Hard to find my reference (try googling for "said"), but the argument I've heard is that your brain largely ignores the word "said," but it still serves a function. Whereas if you start putting a lot of "shouted"s and the like in there, your brain sort of hits speed bumps in the dialogue.

Interesting.

I try to use "said" more often in Seinfelts, cos my instinct is to pepper in some other words.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm definitely in the "keep it fucking simple" camp… I used to not be because I'm a big fan of Neal Stephenson and some other very verbose people, but, like, if you're going to go that route, don't do it in a 250-350-page scifi book, do it in some epic, 1,000-page thing and really go whole hog.

John contorted his face appallingly. "I just wanna shit on this thing so bad."

"Me too," said Mary. "But maybe someone will see us."

"Let 'em. I don't give a fuck."

"Well, I do."

"Then I'll shit on it myself. Go join a nunnery or something."

"You don't join a nunnery, I don't think. I know what you're trying to say but I think that's the wrong word."

"What do you mean?"

Mary thought for a moment. "I don't know. Maybe 'enroll'?"

"I've never heard anyone say they enrolled at a nunnery," said John, annoyed. "That's stupid. It's not a college."

I have no idea what I'm doing right now.

Hahahaha, neither do I! But it's fun to read.

IIRC, doesn't "Get thee to a nunnery" basically mean "You're a slut"? In that particular instance, I mean, not in general.

That's not really relevant to anything. I just find "nunnery" interesting.

Hahaha, yeah, I think so.

"Why a nunnery, though, anyway?" asked Mary. "I mean, why that, specifically? Out of all the ways you could've told me to go fuck off?"

"I don't know. It just sounded like the right thing to say."

"And yet it led to this discussion. I haven't fucked off. You failed to achieve what you wanted."

"But you know what I meant. You know I wanted you to just get the hell out of here so I could shit on this deer without you judging me or being an asshole about it."

"I know, I know. It's just that what you said was so weird that I had to say something about it. Like, when you say weird shit, John, you can't just expect nobody to mention anything about it."

He stared at her for a moment. "I guess."

Mary scratched the back of her neck, beneath her hair. She thought she had felt some sort of bug in there, but she had been mistaken.

"So are you gonna go?" asked John. "Or do you want me to just drop my pants and shit on this thing?"

Mary rolled her eyes. "Just do it already. Jesus."

"By the way, I mean, in the time it's taken us to have this dumb discussion, not a single person has passed by. We could've both taken a shit on this stupid fucking deer and nobody would've been any the wiser."

"I know. I'm sorry. Maybe I should just go."

"Or you could do what we both wanted in the first place. I mean, I don't think anyone else is going to be coming by here. It's getting pretty late."

Mary considered his offer, briefly, then started undoing her belt. "Okay, let's get this over with."

"Dumb fucking animal," said John, sneering down at the dead deer.

"What a stupid asshole," agreed Mary.

"A timeless tale that you won't be able to put down!" -the New York Times Book Review

How likely do you think you'd be to survive a cougar attack? Let's say you saw the thing coming.

Hrmm. I could probably punch it in the face and knock it out.

Though, that's doubtful.

It's those paws that get you!

Yeah. Size of human hands, basically, with claws at the end.

I probably couldn't survive it, no.

I mean, if I had a warning and could get, like, a weapon of some sort, maybe.

LIKE A GUN? A GUN??? YOU WANT A GUNN

But, like… if it were a genuine cougar in an unarmed conflict, I'd do some damage to it, but it'd probably kill me.

Yeah.

What about if it had been declawed?

And you had been reclawed.

THAT might turn the tide in my favor!

"Okay, now, what if YOU were the cougar and it was a HUMAN you were attacking who LOOKED JUST LIKE YOU USED TO LOOK!?!?!? Because you were mad because he stole your body and put you in a cat!"

Guns don't kill people. People do. So… let's keep making guns, and just not let people have them! *dusts off hands*

BY CONTRAST IN FINLAND THEY JUST HAD A SIMILAR MASSACRE, A SCHOOL… HUGGING?! *RECORD SCRATCH*

"38 STUDENTS HUGGED TO DEATH BY MASKED HUGMAN"

*mugshot of an 18-foot python*

Weird, I just watched this episode of Clarissa Explains It All from 1997 and the family visits New York City, and Melissa Joan Hart is standing on top of the WTC saying, "Boy, we'll all remember this in a few years when Al-Qaeda sends two planes into these two towers and they come crashing down, in the year 2001," and everyone just kind of looks at her funny.

I want to take a stroll through my brain. What the fuck would that be like.

Shitty music in the background as I walk through my seventh grade classroom with an awkward boner.

Memory from last time you visited Michigan?

It's fucking awesome how badly Timothy Dolan wants to be the Pope.

Who's that?

The Archbishop of the New York City Archdiocese.

He's a terrible horrible person and he's the poster child of Catholic reactive ultra-conservatism embodied by Ratzinger.

Cool!

Is he getting molested by a poster priest?

**soft-shoes off the stage**  Thank you and goodnight!!!

Maintain your weight: Amputate!

*holds up picture of Lieutenant Dan from Forest Gump, labeled "THINSPIRATION"*

"IDs are set by IR. I cannot change the IDs since they are used to link all the databases. I assume you are not saying we need to modify the ID (the IDFamily field) to include "Pa" and "Pb" as part of the ID, right? But if we are not changing the basic IDFamily field how to we get the "new" ID into the system? If we are creating a second FAM ID (in addition to the original IR family ID), we need instructions for doing this."

Just… kill me.

Is this ShittyCMS?

This is ShittyCMS plus other things plus OurTechDept.

There are a shitload of moving pieces and I have no fucks to give to any of them.

TURDLES ALL THE WAY DOWN

Inextricable bullshit. Just one long, horrible cow turd all coiled up and tangled infinitely.

Yup.

Every goddamn thing to do with schools is a Gordian knot.

SLICE THROUGH WITH THE SWORD OF DAMOCLES

Just like the myth goes!

I'm pretty sure you can't do that in schools anymore.

"Hm… if I murder all the kids, the database will be empty!"

God, even that's not true.

I'd need to kill their parents, and all the alums, and all the parents of alums.

And all the faculty we've ever had.

"Man murders tens of thousands in effort to scrub databases"

In the end: Worth it. And easier than having a competent database system.

"DROP TABLE YOU;!"

Oh my god… if you die in real life, you die IN THE GAME!!!

One unanticipated consequence of Mr. Freeze freezing his wife was that when she finally thawed out and they conceived a child, he came out with Iceberger's.

Indeed. But they were very grateful that it was not full blown thawtism.

I don't think Girl From Karaoke is into me at all. Difficult to make eye contact.

You've got like three other girls jonesin for you anyway though, yeah?

*throws you up against a wall* ADMIT IT! ADMIT THAT GIRLS ARE INTO YOU! PRAY TO ME!

Hah, sort of.

But not really. The one that was the coworker's girlfriend's friend, I sent her a message on Facebook, just a, like, "how's it going?" kind of thing, and she hasn't gotten back to me yet. :P

And the girl from upstairs... I don't know. Not feeling it.

Not on the intellectual level, anyway.

By girl from upstairs, you mean the dusty skeleton in your attic?

Hahaha, yes.

In that crawlspace in the ceiling.

Oh. Really hittin' it off with the skeleton ladies!

Yes.

I'm actually part skeleton, so we have a lot to talk about.